Let's just get this
out of the way: Despite being heavily featured in the trailers, marketing, and
posters, Jean-Claude Van Damme is neither the star nor the co-star of the new
Chinese megabomb known as Jian Bing Man
(English translation: Pancake Man). His name is spoken once early on in the
film as a teaser that he might show up at some point, and you're sitting there
waiting for your favorite action star to show his face in some capacity, and in
the last five minutes he at last
appears to add the only star quality this hopelessly immature and lost in
translation motion picture has going for it. He does the splits (why wouldn't
he since that's what he was paid for?), throws a butterfly kick, gets thrown on
his face by the star who's wearing a yellow cape, and in the last seconds of
the film before the credits roll Van Damme gets the last line: "Iron Man
didn't kick my ass!" as if that's supposed to validate The Pancake Man's
awesomeness. I'm telling you, guys, I really hope Van Damme got a million bucks
for this garbage because if he didn't then there's no justice.
A quick backstory
of my appreciation and devotion to Van Damme's work: The first time I saw one
of his films in a theater was Timecop
in 1994. I've been a fan ever since, seeing all of his theatrical releases any
time he's been given one. I was there for everything from Maximum Risk (twice) to Knock
Off and Universal Soldier: The Return,
and I've sought out every screening of his latest film at every nook and cranny
festival if it was playing in a theater within a hundred mile radius. I saw JCVD in a theater, I went out of my way
to go see Welcome to the Jungle, Swelter, Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, Dragon
Eyes, Enemies Closer, Pound of Flesh, and I even went to see Kung Fu Panda 2 because he did the voice
of an alligator in it. If the powers that be decide that Van Damme gets a
theatrical release, I make sure I'm there no matter what. So when I found out
that Jian Bing Man was getting a
theatrical release - playing at the Puente Hills Mall AMC Theater, I made sure
I was there for the preview night on Thursday at 7:00 PM before opening night.
I figured I'd be the only guy in the theater (same as I was when I saw Universal Soldier: DoR, Dragon Eyes,
and Enemies Closer), but I was
absolutely floored when I entered the auditorium - it was packed! Almost every single seat had been taken by a crowd of young
Asians (Chinese, I'm guessing educationally), and I had to find a seat in the
last row in the back. After four or
five trailers for exclusively Asian films, Jian
Bing Man started.
The crowd went wild
for this garbage, including the guy sitting next to me who kept looking over to
me, wondering why I wasn't as thrilled as he was. From the first frames, the
audience laughed uncontrollably, clapped, cheered, and had a great time. The
guy next to me kept ribbing me, trying to get a response out of me, but it just
wasn't happening. I almost wanted to run to the foot of the auditorium to take
a photo of everyone in the theater having a such a good time because not only
was I the only gweilo in the place,
but I was also the only person not laughing. As in Chinese opera and theater,
almost everything in these modern films from that region takes great pains to
oversimplify drama, mystery, and comedy to the point of nullifying any sense of
personal gratification for going on a cinematic journey along with characters
you're supposed to care about. Silly characters are ridiculously broad, with
massively broad strokes coloring their temperature when they're in comedic
situations. Gay characters (forget subtlety) are parodies of gay characters, and
romantic, leading characters are hopeless romantics with melodramatic subplots
who are sometimes allowed long, drawn-out (and in slow motion, no less)
flashbacks to childhood for no good reason. To top off all of this cinematic
ineptitude, the main character (played by the film's director Da Peng, who is
just cute enough to play the lead, but just nerdy enough to have everyone in
the film consider him a loser) dreams of becoming a superhero known as Pancake
Man, whose sole superpower is to throw raw eggs at bad guys. We get slow-mo
shots of eggs crashing on grimacing faces, and Pancake Man (who sort of looks
like Cyclone from He-Man and the Masters
of the Universe) flips around and zooms off into the ether from whence he
came. For me, this was not a superhero movie, a comedy, or a spoof of any sort.
It is a sad and confounding state affairs to realize that this is what millions
of Chinese people are eating up, and to know that this has made over a hundred
million dollars and broke every record in its native country just bewilders me.
As for Jean-Claude
Van Damme, he plays himself playing a nameless villain Pancake Man fights at
the very end of the film. The fight lasts maybe two or three minutes at most.
If you saw and were disappointed by Van Damme's appearances in Welcome to the Jungle and Swelter, you'll be glad (I guess) to
hear that he kicks more and does more of what you're hoping he'll do in this
thing. It's just over so quickly. It's not worth the price of admission,
frankly, unless you're a diehard fan (like I've always been). A funny thing
about the film is that a Chinese pop band (four dudes with ultra stylish hair
and make-up) shows up immediately after Van Damme gets knocked out by Pancake
Man, and their purpose in the film was simply to upstage him for the
bigger-and-better cameo (at least to the Chinese audience, who cheered when
these guys came into the picture), and one of their songs plays on the
soundtrack to highlight their gorgeousness. When Pancake Man greets them (they
have no purpose in the film other than to simply appear and disappear), they
smile and chat with him for a second, and that's when I noticed their teeth.
The true mark of Communism is bad teeth, and that's when the film got my first
and only laugh. I dunno, guys. This movie's the pits, but if you feel you need
to go there, then go there. I did. And I'll never forget the experience.
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