This, I Demand! Kindergarten Cop 2

After that 12 day stretch, I was really ready to kick back a bit. I caught a few minutes of The Expendables and EX II on Spike, picked up an Escape Plan t-shirt at a garage sale then called it a day by watching Dolph Lundgren's latest starring effort, Kindergarten Cop 2, sequel to Arnold's 1990 hit. Universal has been cranking out Direct To Video fare for the likes of Death Race, The Scorpion King, Jarhead and along with Cop 2, has a Hard Target follow up coming. Stars like Michael Biehn, Danny Trejo, Mickey Rourke and Luke Goss appear in these I'm guessing shot in 4 weeks for around $5 million bones efforts. Kindergarten Cop 2 is now available to stream on Netflix as well as Amazon. With whiskey in hand, I sat down to live blog this baby:


- Directed by Don Michael Paul, writer of HARLEY DAVIDSON AND THE MARLBORO MAN!
- Imagine Entertainment title card?! They really must need the credits after recent Chris Hemsworth misfires Rush (excellent flick) and costly flop In the Heart of the Sea (haven't seen it).
- Ok, blonde chick in a crappy hotel room, Dolph's chick or daughter? Oh yeah, it's his chick. Dolph be looking good though so it adds up.
- Guy playing Zogu looks familiar, was he in Assassination Games? Oh no, it's Aleks Paunovic, the a-hole karate dad in This Means War.

- Dolph just kneed a dude in the first fight scene, now give me a Dolph roundhouse kick!
- Bill Bellamy as Dolph's wise cracking, has 5 kids partner. From MTV personality to actor in stuff like How to Be a Player and Oliver Stone's Any Given Sunday.
- Huh, Dolph's character is a bit of a dog in this flick.
- Is that the Space Needle? We in Seattle?! Yup ,we are. Pretty sure it was shot in Vancouver though.
- Dolph's Zack Reed lives by the water in a trailer, drives a classic car and has a rudimentary gym set up of weights and punching bag.
- Oh shit, Dolph is working out by the water. MAXIMUM POTENTIAL throwback! Or possible teaser for a sequel since his book finally came out? I could be the Perfect Man...
- Holy crap, so many writers...oh, David H. Steinberg and three who wrote original.
- Dolph is strutting into the office, now give me a patented Dolph nod.
- Dolph and Bellamy are skeezy cool together. He didn't really like that blonde chick earlier, act-ting!
- Oh man, Dolph is about to shoot the vending machine after his Twix bar got stuck. That happened to me once, but I lifted it from the top/front to try and slam it down and rattle my booty loose but instead the machine turned off and needed to be reset...
- Shoot that f*cking thieving vending machine! Oh yeah, screaming lieutenant guy, couldn't they get Bill Duke for this? Or Faizon Love?

- Gunfight in the dark! There's also a lot of music in this flick.
- Oh man, Dolph and Bellamy are using that shitbag vending machine as an armored transport, reminds me of Double Team when a Coke machine saved JCVD and Dennis Rodman...
- Ok, Dolph is eating a Twix now, this is some interesting product placement.
- Surprised by the character nuances with chocolate and screaming lieutenant's schtick of putting gum behind his ear.
- Alright, Dolph is going undercover at a prestigious kindergarten to find a flash drive containing a stolen FBI database. Said school costs 50 grand a year. One of these little @$$holes better cure cancer or invent the flying car.
- Aw Damme, throwback to original film with a little kid talking about girls having a vagina.
- Dolph eating a Twix! I wonder if Dolph actually eats that kind of cheap, refined crap in real life.
- In original, school is in Astoria, Oregon, a single parent capital. Here, everybody just thinks Dolph is hot and muscular. Both stories check out.
- Darla Taylor has some white teeth, is also young enough to be a daughter or lover. Looks like she's a lover. And is totally Canadian. Ab-out.
- All these political correct gags are probably supposed to be funny but really it's the wussified world we live in, isn't it? As Tim Allen said, "GET OVER IT!"

- Uh, subtitles are extremely unnecessary for the Asian kid. Is this racism masquerading as humor?
- Life lessons with Dolph: Sharing is overrated, you're better than some people, air punch! Liberals!
- Dolph's character Reed does 90 minutes of weights and cardio, bring on the gluten you babies.
- Peanut allergies! I know this pain, have we always been so weak? This is a strange metaphor for our modern times and not in a good way.
- Dolph front kick! Oh shoot he's yelling, go into Andrew Scott monologue, "kiss ass, or kick ass"!
- Dolph just snapped his fingers at Bill Bellamy and promises not to bone his young, cute co-worker chick, cause we all know he could if he wanted.
- Surprisingly tender first date conversation about hooking up and Dolph's muscles.
- Oh what, they go line dancing?! This movie checks off a lot of Dolph firsts or forgotten abouts, last time I can think he dealt with kids and danced was in John Woo's Blackjack.
- Oh man, bad guy showed up and is talking to Dolph's chick. Rip his heart out, Dolph! Roosters Country Cabaret, is that real place in Vancouver? It is, has a very low Yelp rating.
- Ah, they turned the abusive dad plot point on it's head. Some real life sh!t.
- Acrostic poem? Like when Arnold said F*ck You to that one guy?
- Fight in the water, class dismissed, bitch.

It's been a long time since I've actually watched a Direct to Video flick but Universal seems to have a better sense of quality control than most others. Kindergarten Cop 2 has some fun moments, mostly of Dolph getting to do something different, be a little funny with a capable supporting cast, some decent action and making use of a beautiful school and natural locales. 

This, I Demand! Wild Card

Jason Statham's Wild Card is now streaming on Amazon Prime. Based on William Goldman's novel Heat, about a Las Vegas enforcer, the book was previously adapted in 1986 starring Burt Reynolds. The updated version was originally slated to be directed by The Untouchables' Brian DePalma before Simon West (Tomb Raider, Expendables II) stepped in. Set the dingy and high ends of Las Vegas, Statham's Nick Wild is a security expert working to make enough money to retire for five years and sail around the world. He's lucky but also doesn't know when to quit as he wins and loses fortunes at the blackjack table. One night, former lover turned working girl Holly (Dominik Garcia-Lorido) gets assaulted by the cocksure, low level gangster Danny DeMarco (Milo Ventimiglia) and his goons. After getting out of the Emergency Room, Holly wants her revenge and pulls Nick into it. Of course faces get smashed and egos destroyed so Wild becomes a target leading to much mayhem and bodily harm. A cast of slightly kooky characters fills the film as Nick encounters housekeepers in the know, bartenders, card dealers, trophy wives and admirers played by the likes of Michael Angarano, Hope Davis, Stanley Tucci, Jason Alexander, Sofia Vergara and Anne Heche in mostly short appearances.

Budgeted at an estimated $30 million, West crafts an entertaining character piece with style and panache to go with a few effective punch ups. Wild's reputation has him being such a bad ass that he doesn't use guns and could kill you with an ash tray five or fifteen feet away. Composer Dario Marianelli does an excellent job with the score and songs to keep the style going while the cast of familiar faces is a nice touch. This isn't an action fest by any means but the fight scenes are well done, one using slow motion and devastating infliction of damage to a mass melee through a bar and casino. The character beats, dramatic moments and lack of a shirtless scene for the lead indicate that Statham is continuing to push himself as a likable actor and action star. Less muscled than we've seen him in the last few years, it's said that Statham stayed lean through a diet of brown rice and spinach. I didn't get into Safe or Parker much, Homefront was a nice mix of action and drama but Wild Card is Statham's best movie in years. With his last starring vehicles not kicking up much business, Wild Card was released in a handful of theaters and VOD last year. Since then, Statham has re-energized his Hollywood stock with supporting roles in comedy Spy and over the top action franchise Furious 7. A sequel to 2011's The Mechanic is due for release this year and co-stars Tommy Lee Jones, Jessica Alba and Michelle Yeoh so we'll see if the British Bruce Willy can keep action films relevant in the Marvel age.

This, I Demand! Close Range

While the era of big screen high kicking and martial arts ended in the 90’s with Jean-Claude Van Damme and Steven Seagal going straight to video, director Isaac Florentine and athletic star Scott Adkins have been keeping the genre alive. After well received efforts like the Undisputed sequels and Ninja series, Florentine and Adkins are back with Close Range, a low budget action fest bound to please hardcore fans. A modern day spaghetti western, the Chad Law and Shane Dax Taylor scripted flick finds the bearded and mean mugging Adkins as Colton MacReady, an AWOL soldier who rescues his kidnapped niece from a powerful Mexican cartel. MacReady accidentally comes into possession of a flash drive containing sensitive material and becomes the target of a well-armed hit squad complete with freeze frame introductions for guys who will get real dead, real soon.

After an office set opening sequence that sees Adkins dispatch of multiple goons via kicks, knees, joint locks and multiple stab wounds; the action shifts to a secluded farm house. The setting highlights the low budget while showcasing bounds of fist, feet, blade and bullet infused mayhem. There’s plenty of impressive stunts like jumping on and over a moving car and running up a wall while a truck crashes into it. The fights have evolved from Undisputed’s overlong kickboxing style matches into Mixed Martial Arts infused scraps with chokes, throws and acrobatic grace. It’s all impressively choreographed but looks incredibly staged, hearkening back to Floretine’s overly hyper work on the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers franchise. But with so much Boom Boom Boom but not much heart, it's hard to stay overly invested. Adkins has displayed more physical chops if not the charisma of his idol Jean-Claude Van Damme but does well enough looking tough and grunting dialog in between fight scenes. In true 90’s throwback fashion there’s a nonsensical shirtless scene to show off Adkins’ time in the gym. Familiar faces Nick Chinlund (Con Air) and Jake La Botz (Rambo) lend credibility to the barely there story as we wait to be pummeled by the next action overload. Get punched in the face and stabbed in the nuts December 4th when Close Range hits theaters and VOD.

This, I Demand! Into the Grizzly Maze

After a night out for dinner, drinks and a movie Thursday, Friday's are usually calm affairs. Aren't they always after 30? I couldn't think of a good 80's movie to pop in to go with our pizza dinner then remembered we still hadn't watched the Thomas Jane, killer bear flick, Into the Grizzly Maze. With some Amazon credits burning a hole in my digital pocket, we ignited the nite with some Fireball and Strongbow cocktails and kicked back. Into the Grizzly Maze, formerly known as The Red Machine and Endangered is the tale of two brothers, Rowan (James Marsden) is the younger, troubled one fresh out of prison while responsible big bro Beckett (Thomas Jane) is second in command for the local law enforcement. After a 7 year stint inside, Rowan shows up one night in the beautiful backwoods of Alaska (played by Vancouver) itching to head into the "Grizzly Maze" a part of the woods known for it's dense forest teeming with grizzly bears. Bad news is that there's some angry, hungry and pissed off bears in those woods as loggers and changing climate has pushed out most of their food supply. Compounding matters is the fact that Beckett's deaf conversationalist wife Michelle (Piper Perabo) is alone out in the woods. Beckett's boss Sully (Scott Glenn) wants the killer bear X'd out but The Jane feels that should be the last resort so Sully hires legendary bear hunter and tracker Douglass (Billy Bob Thornton) to do the dirty work.

I'm a big fan of the The Jane and the prospect of a Jaws inspired, man vs nature flick intrigued me. It seemed like the film flew under the radar for a while, shooting in early 2012 with a surprisingly solid cast. Title changes, a few images, a poster and whatnot started to trickle out but no news on a release and it was quietly put out in a handful of theaters and On Demand this past June. It's a shame because the flick is quite enjoyable, heck, I feel like watching it again as I write this. The cast all do a good job, production values are solid and the majestic shots of nature are beautiful. There's some excellent thrills and shocks throughout, it's gory and the bear ain't messing around. There's some less than awesome CGI but come on, this was probably a sub-$10 million dollar flick. Billy Bob sports some gruesome prosthetic scars later in the film, limbs are torn off and victims are clawed and mangled by Bart the Bear. At a brisk 90 some minutes, the flick doesn't have the chance to put you to sleep as director David Hackl and writers Guy Moshe and J.R. Reher throw in plenty of action and frights. The lady and I laughed wondering if the sign language between Jane and Perabo was real because it seemed a little simple but hey, they're married so maybe they have a short hand. Now to check out TJ in  White Bird in a Blizzard on Netflix and Vice with Bruce Willy at some point.

This, I Demand! Maggie

Another Friday night, another movie on Amazon along with some burgers and fries. Too tired to make it out to Beverly Hills for some big screen Kirk Douglas action in The Vikings (I'm sorry Kirk!), we stayed in and checked out the latest from one Arnold Schwarzenegger; the low budget zombie-drama Maggie. The Henry Hobson directed, John Scott 3 film was given a small release the same week as Pound of Flesh and Skin Trade, we didn't make it over to the Sundance Cinemas to see it on the big screen. It was a marked change of pace for The Oak as the film cost under $10 million bucks and wasn't exactly a typical action movie in the Schwazenegger vein. Instead, it's a quiet, somber and mildly paced look at family and the father/daughter dynamic.

Set in small town America outside Kansas City, a necroambulist plague has struck the country basically turning people into brain dead, flesh eating zombies. Society hasn't completely collapsed as police and doctors are still around. Medical professionals can't stop the infection but they do know how it works. After being bitten, you still have several weeks before you need to be put in quarantine to basically be poisoned or eaten. Wade Vogel (Arnold) goes to the city to find his runaway daughter Maggie (Abigail Breslin) as she doesn't want to burden the family. Wade brings her home and they try to enjoy their remaining time. But it's only a matter of tick tocks before Maggie's flesh begins to rot and she wants to devour some human flesh.

Maggie is a quiet movie. It's a slow one too. There's a few scares and some terrific ambiance of quiet farms and woods and quick glimpses of broken down society. Arnold puts in solid work as the sad dad trying to "rescue" his daughter and Breslin does fine as the teenage daughter dealing with an unbelievable but inevitable end. Somehow you buy Arnold as a farmer and in a probable first, he rocks a cardigan and looks Damme good in it. It's an interesting conundrum, watching your daughter die and trying to protect her from those who would take her away. But in the end, nobody wants to let their friends or family go yet when the infected endanger the rest of society, it's a bit selfish to want to be left alone isn't it?

After Arnold ended his term as Governor, there was much excitement about what his first film project would be. There was Cry Macho, about a horse trainer sent to Mexico to retrieve a runaway kid and their bonding journey back home. That sounded like an interesting role for the older Arnold but the project fell by the wayside. Hopefully Maggie leads to more quiet films from The Oak as I'm not overly interested in him rehashing former glory. But after the failures of The Last Stand and Sabotage, those are just the times we're living in.

This, I Demand! Results

Catch that Serpentor reference there? If not, go watch some G.I. Joe and get back to me. You've heard of VOD right? Video On Demand? Or see it on iTunes? These days plenty a movie will get a small release in markets like Los Angeles and New York, some press and then hit Demand services where you can watch brand new movies in the comfort of your home. Generally for less the cost of an evening movie ticket. Dolph Lundgren and Tony Jaa's Skin Trade hit VOD weeks before the theatrical release and Arnold Schwarzenegger's Maggie just landed in a handful of theaters to hype up the digital release. It's an interesting and cost effective way to unleash a flick. Instead of spending tens of millions of dollars on promotions, tie-ins and premieres, cast and crew hit a few talk shows, do some online videos and attend a small premiere. Then we get to come home from a long week, kick back on the couch with a bag full of fast food, a glass of whiskey and hit BUY on our remote control. In this case it was via Amazon Prime where I had some promo bucks, I think from using non-rush shipping. Thanks Amazon!

I had seen plenty of advertising for Magnolia's latest release, the romantic dramedy Results, on Facebook, about the lives of personal trainers something or other. Guy Pearce and Cobie Smulders (How I Met Your Mother, Avengers) headlined a pretty decent cast that included Kevin Corrigan (The Departed), Giovanni Ribisi (Avatar), Anthony Michael Hall (Weird Science) and Brooklyn Decker (Battleship). Written and produced by busy indie guy Andrew Buljaski (Computer Chess), Results finds Pearce's buffed up Trevor running a successful gym/lifestyle joint called Fitness 4 Life or 4 Points Fitness something or other. He's looking to expand to bigger and greater things to spread the gospel of taking care of yourself to achieve physical, spiritual and mental shape. His top trainer is the direct and kind of pissed off Kat (Smulders) who stops clients in the street to shame them for eating cupcakes and being late on their dues. Along comes Danny (Corrigan) a shambolic and weird yet well off guy whose just been dumped. Looking to get in shape, he enlists Trevor's help and Kat is dispatched to his bougie yet empty house to start getting ripped. Lines are crossed, people get ticked, hearts get kind of broken, weights are lifted and many an online work out video is watched.

Results is a weird movie. It has it's funny and odd moments but you're just not sure where it's going or what it's doing. By the end it's revealed to be a sweet and simple romantic comedy about two individuals stripping away their baggage and accepting one another. But on the way you get lots of claustrophobic shots in bland offices and the empty house along with lingering scenes where people just kind of hang out. Austin and parts of Texas are mentioned as the locale but nearly everything is shot in nondescript homes and empty streets so there's no character provided. A detour to see a kettlebell guru (Hall) and his wife (Decker) provides a few laughs and enlightenment that the leads realize they might love each other. Everything seems to go on for a while and there's even a couple of montages pre and post a mention of Rocky showing life going great for Trevor and Danny working out. There are some nice visuals as Trevor envisions and walks his dream gym and juice bar but the overall pedestrian use of locations makes Results feel like a bit of a home movie with famous people in it. If you like any of the actors and have your laptop or tablet nearby, Results isn't the worst way to spend $6 bucks or 100 minutes and did inspire me to go work off that fast food.