Summer Cinema: Warcraft

This past Thursday we went into Warcraft with no real expectations. I'd played the original game and part 2 as a youth, dabbled in part 3 but never checked out online giant World of Warcraft. Directed by Duncan Jones with a co-writing assist from Charles Leavitt and Chris Metzen, the first trailers did not look good. Just your typical bad CGI with live action mash up. But hey, I'm a sucker for large scale, fantasy world set, sword swinging action flicks like Lord of the Rings, Willow, Dragonheart, Clash of the Titans, Conan the Barbarian, Masters of the Universe and the recent Gods of Egypt. Sadly, even with no expectations, Warcraft failed to deliver. It just wasn't very exciting or compelling. I felt so bad for my lady that halfway through the film I ran out to get her another glass of wine so she wouldn't be too bored. And I was several whiskey gingers in yet still not enjoying the flick.

We're thrown into a world of orcs, knights, mages and griffins with magic portals, ornate armor and lightning spells. But no real set up so like Hunger Games, I didn't get transported in or believe what I was seeing. The humans feel threatened by the orcs, the orcs are just trying to save their clan, there's some family and character moments but most of it falls flat. As Jones and crew fail to set up the alternate world, they also try to ground it in reality with all the character bits but end of the day you don't care about anyone in the film or if they live or die. Add to that the fact everything looks fake, from the CGI orcs next to a green painted Paula Patton to the well designed yet still manufactured looking armor and false looking sets, there's just nothing to grasp to. There's swords, war hammers and axes galore but not a single duel if I recall correctly. Lots of implied violence and cutting to black but no sword clashing or choreography. Battle scenes come off as a lot of frantic activity with no actual fighting. I just don't get it.

Budgeted at an estimated $160 million, Warcraft was supposedly aimed at the Chinese audience which has eaten the film up, breaking records and grossing a shattering $140+ million in only a few days. Yet there's one Asian character in the film and he doesn't have a line. Although American born Daniel Wu is a performance capture villain. Opening in the states this weekend, Warcraft grossed a not great $24 million amidst poor reviews and will struggle to hit $75 million I'm guessing. My hopes for a Pacific Rim or Edge of Tomorrow surprise were certainly dashed and I can't imagine any amount of foreign box office will greenlight a WC sequel any time soon. Look at Terminator: Genisys, it didn't hit $100 million in America but ended up grossing $440 million globally with so-so word of mouth, prompting Paramount to promptly pump the brakes on two proposed sequels. Leaving the film I felt weirdly frustrated, this is the kind of movie I should like and I was hoping it would succeed as the underdog but as it stands, Warcraft is the worst and most disappointing movie I've seen this summer if not the year. Oh, plus there was no Leeroy Jenkins reference...

Hey Arnold: New and Old

Never far from headlines, The King of Kings, our Lord of Lords, Arnold Schwarzenegger is ringing in 2016 with plenty of news. Announced at November's American Film Market, The Oak headlines revenge thriller 478, which has been shooting in Columbus, Ohio. Schwarz has long been tied to Columbus, owning property and building the Arnold Classic into a giant sports expo that sees over 100,000 attendees, exhibitors and athletes descend on the city in every March. A statue of the former Mr. Olympia stands near the convention center. 478 is based on the true story of a Russian architect whose family dies when two planes collide in Germany but the air traffic controller is cleared of responsibility and retires. 478 days later, the architect showed up at the controller's door step and stabbed him to death. Produced by Darren Aronofsky among others, Elliot Lester directs from a script by Javier Gullon. Argo's Scoot McNairy and Taken's Maggie Grace co-star in the $10 million flick that looks to be a dark character piece the way zombie daughter flick Maggie was versus a big action flick a la recent The Last Stand and Sabotage.

Next up, Arnold is replacing Donald Trump as host of NBC's Celebrity Apprentice; bringing decades of business experience and success to the show which I'll be sure to tune in for. The likes of Warren Buffett, Tyra Banks and Jessica Alba will be acting as mentors throughout for a cast that includes Vince Neil, Boy George, Jon Lovitz, Chael Sonnen and Ricky Williams. The winner takes home $250,000 bucks for the charity of their choice. Los Angeles takes over for New York City and the show is rumored to shoot in the Silicon Beach area, which includes Playa Vista. That's where Howard Hughes had several hangars that became sound stages then office space and site of filming for 1999's End of Days. It's also where I live so here's hoping we see some Arnold governed competition!

While doing press for the show, Arnold let it be known that the long gestating Robert E. Howard barbarian sequel will now be titled Conan the Conqueror. The script is finished and a director is being sought. Fredrik Malmberg and Chris Morgan are producing. I hope they consider Paul Verhoeven, violent and visceral director of Flesh + Blood, Robocop, Total Recall and almost Crusade, a bloody medieval epic that was to star Arnold in the 90's for Carolco before being dropped due to budgetary concerns. Arnold has been hyping the film for some time but I do wonder if it will really happen. Sadly, The Oak's drawing power is nowhere near what it once was with leading man efforts tanking at the box office. His popular social media presence is a big change from the 80's where you'd only see stars on talk shows, not any time, all the time online. $150 million budgeted Terminator: Genisys grossed $440 million worldwide but couldn't break $100 mil in the states leading Paramount to remove the sequel from their calendar. If Conan does happen, I'm guessing it will be for an economical $50 million or so and make most of it's bank overseas where Arnold still draws a crowd. Then there's the proposed Twins sequel, Triplets, that would reunite Arnold with Danny DeVito and introduce Eddie Murphy as their long lost brother. A script and revision has been completed but it's been pretty quiet. Until then, keep pumping and crushing your enemies!

Ask Me a Question: Conan the Barbarian w/ Sandahl Bergman & William Stout

Apparently it's been a year since Dolph Night happened, time flies huh? My quest to spread the gospel of 80's and 90's action movies continued Saturday night with a double feature of 1982's Conan the Barbarian and 84's Destroyer. The night's special guests included dancer turned actress Sandahl Bergman and production artist/concept designer William Stout for Q&A while producer of upcoming sequel The Legend of Conan Fredrik Malmberg stopped by to chat with the fans. We had several awesome guests set up in the lobby including Robert E. Howard inspired metal band Ben Morgh, The Arnold Fans with lots of great King of Kings magazines, posters and protein bars as well as comedy group Schwarzenator in costume. Also on display were several of William Stout's awesome production paintings.

Hype man and programmer extraordinaire Grant welcomed the crowd, last month saw an 80's themed Arcade program, Conan was the penultimate night in an 80's Fantasy line up and next month sees 80's Horror on display with special guests. The Conan the Barbarian print looked great and the audience was fantastic. Both Bergman and Stout watched the film and the crowd burst out into applause, cheering and laughter several times. I forgot how funny, violent and sexual the flick is. If you haven't seen it, basically young Conan's parents and village are wiped out by the powerful, hypnotic, snake loving diva Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones), gets put into slavery, grows into Arnold, becomes a pit fighter, freed, finds a sword, teams up with thief and archer Subatai (Gerry Lopez), they meet leggy blonde thief Valeria (Bergman), steal some of Doom's snake jewels and are hired to return the runaway daughter of a local king (Max Von Sydow). Based on Robert E. Howard's novels, John Milius writes and directs a deliberate, sword, sand, sex and sorcery filled epic that is at times hyper violent and then reflective and philosophical.

In Arnold's first starring and iconic role, The Oak gets to play curious, strong, stoic, sensitive and vengeful in two, mostly dialog free hours. Lopez is great as sidekick Subatai who plays out like the voice of reason when necessary while Bergman's Valeria is a somewhat forgotten cinematic female ass kicker who fuels Conan's post vengeance life. Mako provides some laughs and weird wizard moments as narrator and supporting character Akiro (simply The Wizard in the first film). Watching it on the big screen you realize how grand the film is from the snow covered village to the wheel of pain to the fighting pit to scaling the snake adorned tower, the orgy scene throne room, Thusla Doom's huge temple and a terrific last stand set in a Stonehedge like rock formation in the desert. All set to Basil Poledouris' grand and fantastic score. There's exploding blood bags galore, camel punching, drunk celebrating, Arnold having sex with nearly every woman he meets, vulture killing, resurrection and the quest to find what is best in life.

After the film, Sandahl Bergman and William Stout sat down for Q&A:

- Bergman grew up in Kansas City, Missouri, ended up on Broadway then in films like Xanadu and All That Jazz before meeting with John Milius for Conan.
- William Stout had been working in comic books and advertising for years, contributing to over 120 movie posters before being brought on by Ron Cobb for Conan where he would make about 10% of the money he did in advertising.
- Both had a huge affinity for John Milius being such a character and creating a family atmosphere.
- Stout and Cobb worked on the film for a year before Arnold was cast.

- Arnold was a specimen with a great sense of humor and drive. Milius was unhappy with The Oak's bodybuilder physique and Arnold came back two weeks later looking more athletic.
- Bergman had never trained in swordplay or riding and nearly lost a finger when an extra missed his mark. Her sword was designed with no finger guard but after the accident, one was added.
- Akira Kurosawa and samurai films were required viewing before shooting started.
- Both have fond memories of producer Dino De Laurentiis, who also cultivated a family feel.
- Bergman and Arnold became buddies so their love scenes were extremely awkward to film with the duo constantly cracking up. It didn't help that Arnold squeeze Maria Shriver was on set and Bergman was dating Stunt Coordinator and 2nd Unit Director Terry Leonard.
- Terry Leonard is a badass, on Milius' The Wind and the Lion, charged down a hill on horseback, chops a dummy's head off that landed exactly where Leonard said it would.
- Sean Connery was first choice for Thulsa Doom but passed.

- Both recall James Earl Jones being a great human being with a booming voice, so strong that during a speech in front of a thousand extras, he didn't use a microphone.

- Max Von Sydow spent a lot of time looking in mirror, running lines and experimenting with make up to create his character.
- Both are not fond of either sequel Destroyer or spin-off Red Sonja. Bergman couldn't imagine a Conan film without John Milius' involvement.
- Bergman was asked to star as Red Sonja but thought it would be confusing after being in Conan and opted to be the evil queen instead.
- Stout hated the script for Destroyer, re-wrote it himself but vetoed by director Richard Fleischer and producer Raffaella De Laurentiis. Would later write a script based on Conan the Buccaneer that he wouldn't mind turning into a comic book someday.
- After seeing a cut of Sonja, Arnold and Bergman declared they would not promote the film.
- Bergman wasn't sure how to respond when asked about her portrayal of Valeria being an inspirational, badass film heroine in the wake of Princess Leia and before Sarah Connor/Ellen Ripley.
- Bergman met with Milius several times in the mid-2000's about Conan: Crown of Iron, she would have played an innkeeper that is kindred spirits with Conan. Neither Bergman or Stout were surprised when Arnold ran for Governor but neither voted for him either.
- Stout found the 2011 reboot to be pretty but not much else. Bergman hasn't seen it after being so involved with original, describing it as a family adventure with no egos involving the best of the best.

Of course much more was discussed but hey, you had to be there! Another great night in the books and thanks to everyone who attended for being such a fun crowd, The Egyptian Theatre for hosting, Randy and The Arnold Fans for co-hosting, all of the Dammaged Goods supporters, Jeremy for documenting and of course our special guests Fredrik Malmberg, Sandahl Bergman and William Stout. We'll see you in September for the next one!

Hey Arnold: June Boom

No June Gloom for Arnold as the King of Kings, Lord of Lords is still a historical and media force to be reckoned with. Breakthrough sci-fi action thriller Total Recall celebrated it's 25th anniversary this past Monday, reminding us that Paul Verhoeven is a mad cinematic genius and that the Colin Farrell remake was laaaaame! The Oak hit Rio for the Arnold Classic Brazil where over 25 competitions in martial arts, power lifting, bodybuilding, chess and pole dancing(?!) took place. Terminator: Genisys promotion is in full swing with billboards around town and TV spots aplenty. Original creator James Cameron lent his support to the new endeavor and told Arnold he loved the flick. The original B-movie, Tech-Noir masterpiece will be playing nationwide as part of Cinemark's Fathom Events starting on June 14th. If that's not enough Arnold for you, and it better frigging not be, you can catch classics Predator and Kindergarten Cop (and tons of other summer classics) via The Arclight Cinemas and of course, as his first iconic role in Conan the Barbarian and Destroyer with me and special guests at The Egyptian Theatre on Saturday, June 27th.

(Pre)Ask Me a Question: Conan the Barbarian Double Feature

You like fantasy movies? You know the kind filled with swords and sorcery, wizards and wonder, creatures and curses? Of course you do. Before there was Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings or the Harry Potter series, flicks like Legend, Labyrinth, Conan and Dragonslayer lit up the imaginations of 80's kids around the world. Equal parts fairy tale and nightmare, these movies are exciting, otherworldly and visually stunning adventures. After their hugely successful Space Invaders: Sci-Fi in the Arcade Age programming that included Alien, Blade Runner, Tron and The Last Starfighter, The American Cinematheque is back with another crowd pleasing line up; Dungeons, Dragons and Demons: '80's Fantasy Favorites. Yours truly is hosting a Conan the Barbarian and Destroyer double feature in a co-presentation with The Cinematheque and premiere Arnold Schwarzenegger fansite, The Arnold Fans!

Check out the incredible line up starting on Thursday, June 18th at the Egyptian Theatre:

The Beastmaster and The Sword and the Sorcerer | Thursday, June 18th
Return to Oz and The Company of Wolves | Friday, June 19th
The Dark Crystal | Saturday, June 20th
The Last Unicorn and The Flight of Dragons | Saturday, June 20th
Clash of the Titans and Hercules, Sunday | Sunday, June 21st
Legend and Labryinth | Friday, June 26th
Conan the Barbarian and Conan the Destroyer | Saturday, June 27th
Ladyhawke and Dragonslayer | Sunday, June 28th

All shows except The Dark Crystal are being shown at The Egyptian Theatre in Hollywood and start at 7:30 PM. Dark Crystal is a Family Matinee at The Aero in Santa Monica and starts at 3:00 PM.

If you're keeping track, the program harnesses the power of Marc Singer, Don Coscarelli, Albert Pyun, Fariza Bulk, Walter Murch, Neil Jordan, Arthur Rankin, Jr., Jules Bass, Jeff Bridges, Christopher Lee, John Ritter, James Earl Jones, Ray Harryhausen, Laurence Olivier, Lou Ferrigno, Tom Cruise, Mia Sara, Ridley Scott, Jim Henson, David Bowie, Jennifer Connelly *swoon*, John Milius, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mako, Rutger Hauer, Richard Donner and Matthew Robbins!

Special guests are still being announced but Mia Sara (Timecop, Ferris Bueller's Day Off) and Brian Henson (Farscape, The Muppets) will attend Legend and Labyrinth.

For Conan the Barbarian and Destroyer I'm excited to share that legendary comic book artist, author and production designer William Stout (First Blood, Masters of the Universe, Pan's Labyrinth) and Golden Globe winning actress Sandahl Bergman (Conan's Valeria, All That Jazz, Hell Comes to Frogtown) will be joining us for Q&A!

In typical Dammaged Goods fashion, more guests and special events will be announced soon. Until then, pray to Crom and pick up your TICKETS!

Sunday Cinema: The Road Warrior & Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

There's a lotta movies coming out this summer but I've been itching to see Mad Max: Fury Road since those first crazy trailers started hitting. Clips at WonderCon only whetted the appetite and last week the huge premiere welcomed stars Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron, writer/director George Miller and the original Max himself, Mel Gibson! Apparently a sequel, featuring Gibson, nearly happened in 2001 but after 9/11 the U.S. Dollar dropped and a couple of years later Mr. Gibson moved into his "complicated" stage of arrests, being illegally recorded, gold dug and saying some not so nice things. The story needed Max to be closer to his prime and over a decade later, it was not to be an "old warrior" tale a la Unforgiven or the proposed Conan the Barbarian sequel. Cut to word that Hardy and Theron were shooting in the African desert in Nambia during the summer of 2012 but it was basically silence on Fury Road until a single image dropped and little by little, we've finally made it. To prep for Thursday's release, I sat down for 1981's Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior and 1985's Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.

Mad Max did not blow me away. It was released several years before I was born, I didn't grow up with it and hey, times change, filmmakers ape stuff and source material just doesn't pop the way it could if you saw it firsthand. The flick heralded Mel Gibson's spectacular awaiting career and put Australian filmmaking on the map. The Road Warrior though, I enjoyed the snot out of. The opening minutes catch the audience up and introduce the world as Mad Max was an influential if not box office smash. Living in the wasteland looking for "juice" aka gasoline, Max encounters some hardcore marauders along with a gyro plane captain who claims to know where an oil refinery is. Doing some recon, Max, his dog Dog and Captain scope out the outpost that's under siege by Lord Humongous and his goons as they kill anyone trying to escape. Apparently the refugees believe there's a paradise outside the wasteland some 2,000 miles away and are prepping to make a run for it. Max ends up cutting a deal with them to lead the convoy and vehicular mayhem, shotgun blasting, hero shots, dog food, feral kid, crazy Vernon Wells, buff/masked villain and football shoulder pads ensues to make for a memorable 96 minutes.

Gibson is silent yet iconic as Max and his scene giving the feral kid a music toy shows him at his most randomly icy cool with inquisitive yet harsh and kind of dead eyes. A great bit of car chase starts out the flick but I was a little disappointed his souped up Interceptor didn't get more to do as it's totaled later after a short pursuit. It's a desolate and dirty affair with the marauders raping, torturing and murdering the refiners while also gonzo with the practical f/x, world, costumes and characters. The end sequence with a tanker truck with several cars and motorcycles in pursuit is fantastic as vehicles are really crashed and crushed and real people flung through the air. Made for a meager $2 million bucks, The Road Warrior opened up # 4 on May 21st in 1982 behind defending champ Conan the Barbarian, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid and Porky's with a $2.5 million dollar gross on it's way to $23.6 million total.

Gibson and Miller along with co-director George Ogilvie and co-writer Terry Hayes returned to the franchise for 1985's Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. We find a long haired Max stumbling into Bartertown, a shanty built from the ruins of World War III where vendors hock radioactive water, methane gas from pig sh!t fuels the city and things are ruled by the strong yet not quite tyrannical Aunty Entity (Tina Turner). Max is recruited to take out Master and Blaster, the little person and slow witted giant who really run Bartertown with their pigs and crap. Max ends up booted from the city and found by a bunch of wild children whose plane crashed years ago in a Lord of the Flies meets Peter Pan set up. Together, they head back to Bartertown to free The Master. A fight on bungie cords with huge hammers and chainsaws anchors the first act while things turn into a swashbuckling adventure with soaring music when the kids get involved. They live in a lush and wet rainforest which is a nice change of pace from the sand and fire of usual Mad Max motifs. Just when I wondered when Max was going to drive a car, we get a huge chase sequence at the end involving a truck on a train and lots of post-apocalyptic vehicles in pursuit.

Beyond Thunderdome is an interesting movie, it's slicker and shinier than the previous films but also really weird but somehow all works to make a visually interesting and entertaining time. Miller and Oglivie go overboard on the panning and zooming but it definitely gives the piece part of it's over the top personality.  Reportedly budgeted at $12 million, Warner Brothers released Thunderdome on my birthday a few years after I showed up. Opening at # 2 with $7.2 million, Mad Max 3 would gross $36 million at the box office going up against the likes of Back to the Future, Cocoon, Rambo II and Pale Rider. Gibson's next movie at Warner Brothers, Lethal Weapon, would mark the beginning of his career as a top grossing and earning actor before becoming an Oscar winning director with Braveheart. While I do wish Gibson could have had a part in Fury Road as he brought the character to life, it's comforting to know George Miller is still at the helm and is looking to carry on the series like a James Bond and passing the mantle.

(Not) Love Actually: Red Sonja

Flipping through channels I came across Robert Rodriguez's ElRey Network showing Red Sonja. I hadn't seen the flick in a long time, like as a kid on TBS long so I tuned in. First off, ElRey is a pretty cool channel showing lots of kung-fu and exploitation movies along with original programs like The Director's Chair (more episodes please!) where Rodriguez sits down with Quentin Tarantino and John Carpenter among others to discuss their storied careers. This would be my first time watching a movie on ElRey and in a neat twist, they don't edit the movies as in there's a warning for graphic content to preserve the filmmakers original vision. So you get the uncut flick just with commercials.

Red Sonja takes place in the same fantasy universe as Arnold Schwarzenegger's Conan flicks as we meet Sonja (Brigette Nielsen) after her family has been killed and she's been raped for rejecting the sexual advances of Queen Gedren (Sandahl Bergman). After being bestowed with strength by a spirit/god/ghost thing Sonja goes and trains in sword fighting with some Asian dudes like in Conan then heads off on a quest of revenge. On her way she meets Lord Kalidor (Arnold), young Prince Tarn (Ernie Reyes, Jr.) and his servant Falkon (Paul L. Smith). Sword fighting, beheading, stabbing, mechanical underwater snake creature, eating, Tae Kwon Do, magical orb only Sonja can touch, beautiful landscapes, huge sets and Ennio Morricone score shenanigans ensues.

As you should know, Conan was the literary creation of Robert E. Howard who also gave us Kull and Solomon Kane. Sonja came from Roy Thomas and Barry Windsor-Smith based loosely on Red Sonya in Howard's short The Shadow of the Vulture. Dubbed the "She-Devil with a Sword", Red Sonja appeared in  Conan the Barbarian comic books in 1973 before headlining her own series. Conan the Barbarian film producer Dino De Laurentis had struck massive success with the 1982 film starring Arnold directed by John Milius. Less violent and sexual sequel Conan the Destroyer from Richard Fleischer was released in 1984. Both films grossed more than $100 million worldwide on budgets under $20 million.

Producer De Laurentis offered the title role to Conan the Barbarian co-star Sandahl Bergman who had played the viciously vivacious Valeria, Arnold's love interest and fellow sword fighting thief. Bergman turned down the role in favor of the evil Queen Gedren. With production nearing, De Laurentis saw 21 year old Danish model Brigitte Nielsen on the cover of a magazine and flew her to Italy to screen test. Standing in line with 25 other hopefuls, 6'1" Nielsen barely fit into her costume and immediately became returning Destroyer director Richard Fleischer's favorite. Schwarzenegger was under contract to De Laurentis and came on board for what he thought would be a glorified cameo as the sword swinging Lord Kalidor. Originally intended to be a reprisal of his Conan character, De Laurentis didn't pay Universal for name rights so Arnold is basically Conan but with fancier clothes (is that red vest and pants ensemble velvet?!). The $18 million dollar film with a script by George MacDonald Fraser and Clive Exton shot in Italy near Rome. A total newcomer to acting and movie making, Nielsen quickly fell for Arnold and the two embarked on an affair during shooting. Arnold shot his role in less than 4 weeks and was horrified to see his cameo had turned into a full on supporting role with his name listed first on the movie's poster and his image being larger than Red Sonja's.

Released on July 3rd of 1985, Red Sonja grossed an anemic $2.2 million dollars at # 9 behind Back to the Future, Pale Rider, Rambo II, The Goonies and Fletch among others on it's way to a $6.9 million total. A huge drop off from Barbarian's $38 million domestic take and Destroyer's $31 million total. Reviews were unsurprisingly harsh with Nielsen and Bergman each receiving Golden Raspberry Award nominations for worst acting. Arnold would soon fulfill and terminate his contract with De Laurentis while years later describing Sonja as his worst film, reserved for punishing his children if they misbehaved. The title would be brought up nearly 30 years later when Sabotage barely cracked $10 million at the box office, making it his worst showing since Sonja not adjusting for inflation. Star Nielsen would soon meet action icon Sylvester Stallone, a rumored "gift" from Arnold as the two men were still rivals at the time. Nielsen would marry Sly and appear in Rocky IV and then Cobra before landing a plum role in the 1987 hit Beverly Hills Cop II. The two divorced in 1987 and Nielsen's follow up film roles would never match her early output. In 2014 she appeared in Mercenaries, a low budget knock off of Stallone's The Expendables featuring female action figures like Zoe Bell, Kristanna Loken, Cynthia Rothrock and Vivica A Fox.

Young co-star Ernie Reyes, Jr. would go on to roles in film and television, notably in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II and Surf Ninjas while bodyguard Paul L. Smith had already been acting for 20 years and would continue to pop up in film and TV into the 90's before passing away in 2012. Dancer turned actress Sandahl Bergman would go on to appear in genre movies like Hell Comes to Frogtown and episodic TV into the 2000's. Red Sonja would be director Richard Fleischer's penultimate motion picture preceding another De Laurentis production, 1987's Million Dollar Mystery before retiring. Fleisher passed away in 2006. Talk of a Red Sonja remake percolated in the late 2000's with Robert Rodriguez looking to direct his then fiance Rose McGowan in a Nu Image/Millennium Films production but nerve damage in McGowan's right arm nixed the idea and she appeared in the flop 2011 Conan the Barbarian remake as a witch instead. Nu Image is still pushing forward with a film, allegedly with Con Air and Expendables 2's Simon West at the helm and Amber Heard at the top of the starring wish list.

While Red Sonja may have been a looked down upon disappointment upon release, all these years later the film still holds up as a prime entry in the sword, sorcery and fantasy genre that the wonderfully weird 80's gave us. Sure there's some bland and over the top delivery but production values are terrific from the ornate costumes, weaponry and huge castle and cave sets. Characters are all decently fleshed out and memorable with Sonja claiming she would never be with a man who could not best her in combat so cue to her fighting with Arnold to Falkon's penchant for food and Prince Tarn's precocious, bordering on annoying prince who can throw down . The fights are excellent with solid back and forth choreography, bettering the circle then slash approach of Conan the Destroyer. Ernie Reyes, Jr. gets to show off his impressive martial arts abilities, especially considering his age and the film moves quite quickly wasting no time at 90 minutes. It also lacks the jokey cheesiness of Destroyer with it's pretty straight ahead approach that somehow effortlessly mixes lesbianism, rape, revenge, romance, magic, swordplay and high adventure.

Ask Me a Question: Conan the Destroyer

I hadn't been to the New Beverly since the Van Damme Double then Triple Dip in May.  Shortly after, the longstanding repertory cinema house went through some management changes and a much needed face lift.  Since reopening, owner and now more hands on manager Quentin Tarantino has been programming some very unique double features from kung-fu classics to grindhouse flicks and tributes to actors like Steve McQueen and directors like this month's Richard Fleischer.  Now all shows are touted in 35 or 16 mm with nary a digital print in sight.  I figured on checking out the Fleischer directed Charles Bronson vehicle Mr. Majestyk at the end of the month but action #MovieBro and author David J. Moore wanted to check out Conan the Destroyer.  I wouldn't have gone to see that but hey, why not?

Walking up to the box office I was only too pleased to see Mr. Michael Torgan back behind the window after taking a much deserved break in the action from running the joint while the New Bev figured out their next phase.  The place looked great, spiffy and shined up with printed calendars everywhere for the taking, over sized framed posters on the walls, even a Japanese Destroyer one sheet in the lobby.  A cash only institution for as long as I've been coming, they now take credit cards!  The concession stand now sells hot dogs and White Castle burgers, can't beat that.  Anyways, if it weren't for Michael generously agreeing to screen Double Impact and Bloodsport, Dammaged Goods Presents would still be an unrealized pipe dream and I wouldn't have met so many great movie lovers along with all the luminaries and professionals who attended the Van Damme, Dolph, Carl Weathers and Die Hard nights.  The top half of the double bill was Fleischer's slave turned bare knuckle boxer turned partial Django Unchained inspiration Mandingo from 1975.  I've never seen the flick and honestly have no real desire to so we hit up Elite Cuisine next door for some dinner and catching up.  This is an establishment that serves you chips and salsa while offering Jewish comfort food, Italian dishes, American sammiches and Chinese food?!  That's Los Angeles baby, just go with it.

I was really interested to see what kind of folks turned out for Conan the Destroyer on a Wednesday night.  The Man Clu was holding it down in the front row as usual, one of the staff members was rocking a Conan tee shirt and there were maybe three women in the audience.  Also in the crowd was co-writer and prolific comic book scribe Gerry Conway! A talented jerk like Steven E. de Souza, Conway sold his first work as a teenager then went to both Marvel and DC Comics.  At only 19, Conway worked on The Amazing Spider-Man where he scripted the Death of Gwen Stacy storyline and many others over a several year run.  While at the House of Ideas, Conway co-created The Punisher and wrote for The Fantastic Four, Captain America, The Incredible Hulk and more.  Moving to DC Comics, Conway co-created Firestorm and worked on Superman, Justice League of America and Detective Comics among others.  If that weren't enough, in the 80's Conway jumped into film, television and animation with credits on G.I. Joe, Transformers, Batman: The Animated Series, Diagnosis Murder and Law & Order.

Conway quickly introduced Conan the Destroyer, recalling how Conan the Barbarian producer Edward R. Pressman sold his share of the rights to mogul Dino De Laurentiis. Conway and comics writing partner Roy Thomas worked on the script for about a year pumping out 10 drafts.  During that time, it seemed like only the writers and Arnold were attached to the project.  Word came down that Richard Fleischer was hired to direct, an excellent choice in Conway's eyes as he loved the director's Norsemen saga, The Vikings, starring KIRK DOUGLAS, Tony Curtis, Ernest Borgnine and Janet Leigh.  The writers met with Fleischer, thought he was a very nice man and immediately after were told they were fired!  Thus ending Conway's involvement with tonight's feature on which he receives a Story By credit and attended the premiere in 1984.

Conan the Destroyer is not a good movie.  It's a fun movie, it's crazy and intentionally and unintentionally hilarious.  Starting with credits over the a dusty landscape and Mako's wonderful narration of an age "between the time the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aryas", days of high adventure set to Basil Poledouris' iconic score.  We find Conan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) praying for his lost love Valeria while thief homeboy Malak (Tracey Walter) counts stolen booty before they're attacked by Queen Taramis (Sarah Douglas). Taramis wishes to recruit the barbarian thief on a mission to retrieve a treasured horn that will bring back dreaming god Dagoth.  For his service, Taramis promises to resurrect Valeria.  At the palace of Shadizar, Taramis and Captain of the Guard Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain) explain their plot to use Conan to retrieve the horn, that only virgin niece Jehnna (Olivia d'Abo) can collect, then kill the barbarian and sacrifice the niece in order to appease Dagoth.

Feeling that a sword can't match up to sorcery, Conan stops off to pick up Wizard of the Mounds Akiro (Mako) before the motley crew runs into Zula (Grace Jones), a fierce warrior stranded in a village after an unsuccessful raid.  To get the horn, they have to find a jewel which is housed in an ice and crystal castle on a lake where wizard Toth-Amon (Pat Roach) resides.  From there it's off to a temple where Jehnna places the jewel and walks through fire to collect the horn.  Bombaata seemingly seals Conan and his crew in a tunnel and escapes with Jehnna and the horn.  Back at the palace, things don't go too smoothly as Jehnna's botched sacrifice turns Dagoth into a horrific monster that a rescuing Conan must hack the shit out of with a battle ax and his trusty broadsword.  The film looked great on the big screen, the print was in terrific shape as was Arnold, holy geez was he yoked in this!  I believe director John Milius told Arnold to tone down his workouts for the first Conan as a specimen built from hard living and physical labor wouldn't look like a polished bodybuilder while in the sequel Arnold is equal parts huge and shredded with his signature huge chest, big arms and a slim tapered waist.  Being shirtless for many a scene I wondered if he was severely dehydrated and underfed for the duration of filming.

Shot in Mexico, Destroyer takes advantage of the dusty desert as well as lush forest locations.  The sets were quite impressive as you had a huge marbled palace, a castle made from crystals and ice, a chamber full of mirrors, an underground temple, etc.  Being an early 80's flick there was a nice blend of miniatures, animation, forced perspective, matte paintings and a little obvious rear screen projection.  While the script by Stanley Mann is a pretty straightforward adventure/mission flick, Fleischer's directing is a little clunky here and could have used some extra editing.  Not surprising as this was towards the tail end of his long career.  Fight scenes are nice with bloody squib slashes, severed heads and impalement's galore but for all the sword, spear, mace and knife fighting, they could have used a little more choreography instead of just clanging weapons a couple times before being run through. Being a fantasy film you get magic, sorcery, wizards, crazy costumes and monsters.  During the mirror chamber, Arnold throws down with Toth-Amon in his reptilian/man-ape form and gets body slammed and windmilled around the room in a goofy fight scene.  The monstrous Dagoth was played by an uncredited Andre the Giant in a full, aquatic monster inspired suit, who slaps Arnold around before getting his horn ripped out and stabbed dead.

Of course with such an eclectic assortment of actors including a bodybuilder, a singer and an NBA star, performances and expressions are laughable and priceless at times.  Arnold playing drunk is great as is his punching of a horse and hammer fisting a camel early on.  Mako is terrific as the ragged wizard who can move things with his mind and start a fire out of nothing.  Tracey Walter plays the comedic sidekick/thief just fine in a role that would probably be designated to Rob Schneider if this was made in the 90's.  Future Bond girl and Dolph Lundgren girlfriend Grace Jones is strong and terrifying while Olivia D'Abo is cute as can be as the naive virgin always showing skin in aerated gowns.  Wilt Chamberlain is tall as shit and gives Bombaata some nice gravitas.  While Conan the Destroyer is by far no masterpiece, it still stands as a solid if unspectacular entry in the sword and sorcery, action-fantasy genre if only because there aren't enough comparable titles and is perfect for lazy day viewing.